20th July 2007

Well today is a very exciting and fun day... but also one where I'm feeling really gutted! You see, I work with some young people (school years 7-9) and as it's the end of term this is the last time I'll be seeing the year 9's (in an official capacity). I absolutely love working with these guys, we have about 85-100 of them on a Friday night and it's honestly the best night of my week, they're amazing!

But, the current year 9's have a special place in my heart, they always have done even when they were younger. They're just an amazing bunch of kids and it's been truly amazing and inspirational watching them on their personal journeys with God. These aren't churched kids so watching them as the years have gone on come to grasp in their own way what it means to have a relationship with God has been awe inspiring.

We took 74 young people away for a weekend on the Isle of Wight back in April and to see them one by one respond in their own unique way to God was stunning and deeply moving to see how God really does answer prayer! I got some of the girls to illustrate with a piece of paper what the weekend had meant for them, and then explain it, here's just one of them:

I ripped a big hole in the centre to symbolise something that was missing in me before and that I hadn't discovered yet. The paper I am writing on symbolises what I have now and the hole I have filled. I ripped some off the top to show I have gotten rid of some of my views from before.

Oh it makes me excited just to think about it again. And another amazing thing about this weekend was that is was a 'penny-dropping' experience for me as well. I looked at these guys one evening and thought, goodness knows how it feels to be a parent, I love these guys so much and they're not my children, imagine that you can feel love stronger than this... and then God whispered to me, yeah and I love you even more than that! Crazy!

Then I thought to myself, they haven't got a clue how much I love them though, yeah they know I'm rather fond of them, but they have no clue about how deep my love for them is, the fact that I would do anything for them... and then it clicked again, this is still how God feels about me, about us. He love us so so so much, and he's crying out to show us, but we have no clue, no clue whatsoever.

I guess this is my biggest prayer for this wonderful amazing group of young people, that whatever their life brings, and I hope it is all things wonderful and great, but whatever does happen, that they would know more than anything

how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that they may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God

So I'm excited because I get to dress up as a pirate for the end of term party tonight. But I'm also deeply sad about saying good bye, and it's not a sadness like I feel when the sun isn't shining, or when there's no mozzarella at the sandwich shop, or even when I miss home. It's a kind of sadness that really guts me, I guess this is how God feels sometimes too....

It was raining, now it's not!

12th July

Well hello there...

I think I'd like to share some lovely things about God with you that warmed my heart yeaterday when I was feeling crappy... But I will edit it out of text speech, frankly because it's quite confusing! You see, the thing is, I sometimes feel upset, not because I want to be married, in fact I'm really quite happy just being me, I'm too busy and too scared for it to be any other way right now... But in typical irrational human (maybe read as girly) style I find it difficult that there isn't someone there who wants to marry me.

It hurts that I'm never the one who is chosen... even if I don't really want them anyway. This is what a very wise, wonderful and lovely person pointed out to me:

My darling beautiful girl. I won't say the obvious 'you have been chosen by God'...oops just did! Honey I know it's poo... especially when there is usually a lack of decent males anyway. I will pray of course, and I'm sorry you're sad. When that right man comes on the scene I think you'll know, and you'll be glad you didn't get chosen before.

And it's so true... I was chosen before the world began, to be Holy and blameless in His sight, a dearly loved child of the Creator God. I was formed intricately to be the person I am. And at that same time God knew exactly who I would meet in my life... and yes, when I meet the person who chooses me I will know that God has already chosen them for me, and, more to the point, I'll be glad I didn't waste time letting myself be chosen by anyone else.

Remember... You have already been chosen, for the MOST important role.

It was sunny yesterday, I went to the beach... it's not today.

4th July 2007

I've been quite challenged recently about the necessity of actually applying the Bible to our lives. I find it happens all to often that I'm sat around discussing a passage with a group of people, we get lots out of it and we can say what it's challenge is to 'people' but fail to actually bring it home to us.

For instance, reading about how we are not to pray like hypocrites, making a show and appearing Holy, we talked about how this means we shouldn't live our Christian lives 'acting' as though we were spot on with God, yet really not feeling it at all, aiming to please man and not glorify God. But at no point did we actually address, hang on, in what area of my life do I struggle with the desire to seem something I'm not, where do I desire to please those around me, but disregard the glory that is due my Great Creator? Granted this is pretty uncomfortble stuff... but isn't being pruned and changed meant to be uncomfortable? All I know is I want to be a radical disciple of Jesus, I want to become more like Him, and I know it's not pleasant, but I know that looking inside my heart at all the skanky crap that I hide in there, and letting God bring it into the light is the only way it's going to happen.

So no, it's not enough just to read the Bible, we need to think about how the Almighty God wants to use what we're reading to make us messy and totally un-sorted... But all in order to fix us!

Life is great, God knows best, and my wonderful friends have just had their first baby!

The sun has FINALLY come back out!

26th June

Well it has been a very busy week... I am now in my new house, and I'm loving it! My housemates are lovely and fun and I get to live in the heart of a community that I have the priviledge of watching God change! Two of the young people knocked on my door last night and they were telling me how they'd been walking along singing 'Everlasting God' by Chris Tomlin together!!! These are guys that became Christians a couple of weeks ago... They're amazing! Then I went to the shop and another young person was asking me if I'd be at church on Sunday, I love the life God has given me, it's so exciting, I am blessed beyond what I could ever have imagined!

Also this week I've had a revelation... lately I've been struggling with doubt, doubt over whether God is listening to me, doubt over whether he really loves me, and doubt over whether he's even there. But I've never been able to give up because I know Jesus is real and so is his death and resurrection but still I struggled. But then the penny finally dropped this week when I was reading 'Shining Like Stars' by Lindsay Brown and I read this:

When faced with difficulties, our feelings will naturally be wayward. Only a real conviction of the truth of the gospel will buttress us, hold us together and give us confidence to press on in living for Christ. He came to give us good news, not good feelings.

How amazingly amazing and releasing is this?!? It's ok not to 'feel' that God is there all the time, our feelings ARE fickle. But just hold to the truth of the gospel and it's only thing that will keep us going! This sounds like the most obvious thing, but it filled me with mega excitement! I know that the gospel is true so I can keep running the race!

Oh and it's been actually chucking it down with rain and there are floods everywhere!

20th June 2007

I am moving again... I've discovered that God must have something really important to teach me through this fun activity... he makes me do it so often! Hang on, maybe there's something in that... maybe am beginning to trust Him more for my daily bread, to realise that even something as small as my day to day living is in His hands. And also, that I should be so grateful to Him that I know tonight, tomorrow night, in fact any night in the near future I will have a roof over my head!

I think it's important to get the balance right between God's grace working in a situation, yet giving people their due encouragement. This morning we were reading from Matthew 6, when Jesus is talking about our attitude to giving, praying and fasting. He talks about how our left hand shouldn't know what our right hand is doing, and how we shouln't be like the hypocrites when we pray... in other words we shouldn't do so called 'holy' acts so that other people think we're holy. But I've noticed that sometimes we can fall into a false humility, people get so caught up in not wanting to seem proud, or like they're doing things for show that they begin to deny God's work through them. For instance, if someone talks about Jesus, and their friend who is listening decides they want to come to church and see what it's all about, then yeah, it's thanks to God's grace that He used their words... but well done you for speaking out for Jesus!

It's always God's grace that He allows what little we give him to succeed... but we have the choice about what we give him to work with... and I think people should be encouraged for what THEY do to help bring advance God's kingdom.

It's not so sunny today, but it's pretty warm and that's good!

16th June 2007

So here I go...

Spiritual refreshment... I love telling people bout Jesus and allowing my Creator to help me to be creative in the ways I do that!

Excellence without extravagance...that's how I want to think.

God sees the bigger picture, that's what I reckon... so I need to not be so proud. Sometimes feeling bad, is only feeling bad about the fact that people think badly about me. But, God sees the bigger picture, that's what I reckon.

The sun shined really today.